Thursday, 24 November 2016

When I was pregnant with my first son, our lives were finally settled. We bought a big house, two cars… We apparently lived happily. But shortly before my baby was born, my husband and I had a conversation after which my idyllic card castle collapsed. He said “I’m only staying with you for the baby. I don’t love you anymore”. I felt shocked. 

Here is my lesson

 Naturally, I tried to think straight. I forgave my husband thinking about my son’s sake. Or at least that what I said to myself. But my sake was far from peace – I was afraid my husband would leave us. My son was born a Friday of July. He was so beautiful and innocent. He didn’t have any idea about what was happening in my world.

A month later, I found the reason behind all. During five years my husband had a lover and had found another one while I was pregnant. This discovery forced me to quit my “happy family” dream, and I left the house with my son. 

The baby and I ended up in a rented apartment. Depression was consuming me. The anger, fear, pain, and the crazy responsibility –all that was mixing in my mind like a poisonous cocktail. I cried a lot, but I did it in such way that my son wouldn’t see it. 

When my son turned four months old, I touched the bottom. After a discussion with my husband he left my apartment and I curled on the bathroom floor, crying and cursing my destiny. And then I heard my voice: “I don’t want to live anymore.” And after that –silence. 

After crying inconsolably for a while, I suddenly felt some force had arisen in me, and that force wouldn’t let bad things consume my life. I was buried in negativity and was destroying my existence. 

That day I packed and went with my son to my brother’s house. I felt strong and independent! The two hours of the road I was laughing, singing and talking with my baby.

That was when I realized he was my link, my salvation. He was reason enough to live and enjoy my life. I started to laugh and love people again. I realized happiness comes from inside Here is my lesson… My mistake was forgetting about my life and obsessing with my husband. 

I wasn’t living at all. I only existed under certain circumstances. To live your life you need to free your spirit and enjoy your individuality. In that state, loving someone else brings joy and doesn´t turn into a constant fear of losing him.

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